Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Blue

I was planning on writing something about the things I am thankful for since while we were in the car tonight we realized that Thanksgiving is a week from tomorrow, but I am just not in that frame of mind.

I am feeling down. Take a diet of no sleep due to children that wake up throughout the night on staggered schedules, children that are sick, starting a new business, Jason working like a madman, and then throw it in the bathtub that Finn pooped in tonight and yup, that'll do it everytime.

I went through a time of depression when I was in college, "acute situational depression" is what they called it. I didn't get out of bed for a long while, wasn't eating, wasn't sleeping, barely making it to class, wore the same pair of sad denim overalls for days on end, and couldn't watch TV or listen to music (it literally made me sick). I would cry without reason or limit. I finally broke down and told my parents what was going on and we agreed to meet halfway between home and college where my brother lived. I started taking meds and made an appointment with a psychologist. What a joke he turned out to be. He told me that all my problems were caused by me not knowing what I wanted to major in at school. I do agree that the uncertainty in my life was causing me to lose faith and be filled with doubt and anxiety, but I don't think that picking a major would solve that problem.

Anyway, I say all that to assure myself that I will not let it get that bad again. It's scary for me to think that I could go to that place in myself and not be able to find my way out. I get so overwhelmed that I don't know where to start. I have been getting so frustrated with my girls for no good reason, they are good girls and they are just doing the normal things that girls there age do, but it is so magnified in my eyes.

I think about the things I should be doing as a wife and mother and human being and I feel like a failure. And then I feel even worse that I am dwelling on these micro-issues when there are so many other problems in our world. I mean, there are people who have been devastated by hurricanes or tornadoes and here I am feeling sorry for myself. Lame.

I need to give myself like 5 more minutes of feeling like this and then just stop it! It is a choice to feel this way or to change my attitude.

4 comments:

Beth said...

Boy do I know how your feeling because I very much feel the same way. But I have help in feeling the way I do, two words.."my mom". No matter what I do that I think is good she makes me feel bad because of it. I get to the point where I feel like the only way to solve anything is if I move far far away..but then logic sets in and I realize that I shouldn't move far far away because of the way she makes me feel. It's like a contious circle over and over again. Anyway, the point of my post is to let you know that your not alone although you may feel like it. If you ever want to chat I'm here. Hang in there girl!!

Jason Egan said...

The same thing happens to my wife sometimes Beth. I think being a mom is the hardest job in the world.

Shannon, you're a great mom, and the way Jason talks about you I know you're a great wife, so hang in there!

Scott said...

Shannon,
Although there are always rough times in our lives, the one thing that helps me make it through is just to look at my 2 boys and it inevitably brings a smile to my face.

And now that the Shawn (the younger one) says daddy, the way he says it is just the cutest thing I think I have ever heard.

So just look at those 2 beautiful girls of yours and instant smile (you could always use the old "cry 2 tears in bucket.....) :-)

Eric said...

I know exactly what you are going through. I battle this disease daily and have for years. Some days making lists of the reasons I have to make me happy work and other days it doesn't. The fact that you are aware is the first step to trying to not go to where you were before. Sometimes people do go back no matter how hard tey try. The best part about all of it is that you have so many people around you who love you and will help.

Call me anytime.

Also, we could not get together this week because we have been in the Er with the kid battling croup! woo hoo. I'm on the edge of my seat waiting to see what next week entails.